Letting it fly

In my last article, I wrote about being a 'bird watcher', or a noticer of your feelings and emotional reactions in difficult situations and in particular with others who seem to trigger negative emotional responses.

We all have our own 'pet' issues, those areas in which we frequently allow ourselves to be triggered, whether it be by others or our own thoughts.

For example, someone you know may get very worked up—more so than the situation warrants—when driving in dense traffic.  Another may have an unconscious fear of abandonment that causes her to be overly accommodating in relationships so as to prevent the other person from leaving her.  For some people, even the mildest disappointment is a strong trigger.

Most people know what their big issues are:  they’re the ones that keep coming up over and over.  Another clue is that you tend to have a stronger reaction than the triggering situation would seem to merit. 

But often the best clue about what needs to be worked on in your life is what is coming up to be looked at now.  And chances are what’s coming up now is related to one of those 'big' problems that has seemed to plague you since the beginning of time.

Oftentimes, what is required in order to get clear of a certain issue is the release of our attachment to the problem. 

We’ve all known people who have become so attached to a certain health problem that it’s become part of their identity.   They talk about it all the time, strengthening both the problem and their identification with it.

A way to identify whether or not this is the case with you is to look at how you speak to others about the problem.  If you don’t speak to others about it, congratulations!   But you’re not off the hook yet.  You’ll want to look at what you tell yourself about it.  Are you suffering in silence?  Look for any traces of drama or any tendency to romanticize the problem or enlarge it when you think or speak of it.  

Be honest with yourself.  More than that, be a detective looking for the possibility of attachment, however small.  Most of us have problems because we—either consciously or unconsciously--energize them in some way.

If you notice that you do have this tendency to any degree, what is required is to notice when you are tempted to 'own' the problem in this way that builds your identification with it.  As you become conscious of this and begin to watch this identification--as a bird watcher watches a bird--the attachment lessens.

You might want to get into the habit of observing this bird while asking the question 'Isn’t that interesting?' 

Get very good at the noticing.  All it takes is repetition, and patience.  And the only thing that kills noticing is the judgment that the situation should be otherwise, or the frustrated 'I just want to be done with this!'  This, as you can probably see by now, just adds another layer of identification with the problem by creating another strong emotional response to it.

Let it be, just like a bird watcher lets the bird do its thing.

Just through this process alone, you may find after a short time, the problem flys off by itself. 

Of course, when something does release, that doesn’t mean that it will never come up again.  It just means you have released it, and that if it arises again, you will simply need to remind yourself that you have already released, and that it is simply coming up out of habit.  If you have become a good noticer, this will be apparent.  The bird will not be the same bird as before.  It will look more like a hologram of itself, and you will be able to see through it.

But more about that in the next article, as well as a few techniques, beyond noticing, for releasing those patterns of thought and emotion you no longer need.

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Call me if you need assistance in your bird-watching endeavors.  (619) 275-1731.
Or if you really want to fly:  Life Coaching