Noticing the exotic bird
A while ago, I wrote in an e-mail to you about my “media diet”. I turned off the TV for a month and stopped my newspaper subscription. That detoxifying regimen has done me a world of good.
And now that I’m ready to start (selectively) adding back some shows and maybe some sections of the paper (the comics page?) I find myself asking if, in order to further cut back on my negativity intake, I should consider going on...dare I say it: a friend diet.
Have you ever felt this way? You call your friend and ask her what’s up and she starts complaining about her job. Then you think of something similar that happened to you, so you start venting about that. Or she says negative things that get you thinking negatively about your own experience, or negative things that “trigger” you and make you want to argue with her.
Or maybe your complainer is even closer than the phone. Maybe it’s your husband or teenage daughter, or a co-worker you see every day.
I have a friend who is going through a rough patch and has become very cautious about money. The other night we went to a show and she deliberated buying a beverage, although the price was “outrageous”. I offered the opinion that treating herself to the drink she wanted could be an affirmation of abundance.
“Yeah, right!” she said, rolling her eyes at my woo-woo philosophy. In her mind, once she spent that small amount of money, she was that much closer to the poorhouse.
And here’s what really got me: then she said something along the lines of “try telling that to someone who can’t pay their electric bill”.
I mention this not so I can vent and complain to you and get it off my chest, but as an example of something that “triggered” me.
So, how do you know you are triggered by someone else’s words or actions?
It’s pretty simple, really. It’s the thing that pushes an emotional button, the thing you feel compelled to respond to because you have a different opinion. And when you do respond, you may even notice your voice sounds different, surprisingly defensive.
Want to know how you can be absolutely sure it’s a trigger?
You find yourself lying in bed that night, thinking of things you should have said (such as “I’m not telling that to someone who can’t afford their electric bill”).
So how do we deal with these triggers in such a way as to minimize their triggering effect on us?
Think of the response to that trigger as an exotic bird and yourself as a bird-watcher whose life’s work and driving passion it is to observe and study this rare bird.
So, when you are in the bird’s habitat (that is, likely to be triggered by something somebody else says or does), pay particular attention to your surroundings.
In other words, really notice what’s going on.
As it unfolds, watch it with the same curiosity and detachment as the bird-watcher studying the bird from a distance, yet through binoculars.
Your own response to the trigger is the bird. Watch closely for any feather-ruffling. Notice if the bird starts to peck at something, or if it thrusts its chest out defiantly.
So, here’s my formula for neutralizing a trigger. It can be used in the presence of someone else, sort of as a listening meditation, or even in response to any triggering thought or emotion you have.
Be very present. Be silent so as not to scare the bird away too soon. Smile to yourself, after all, it’s very cool that you are privileged to do this kind of work. Continue noticing. Isn’t it all so interesting? Savor the moment, knowing the bird will soon display its beautiful multicolored plumage and vanish into the sky. And your soul will feel lighter for having had this moment.
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Give me a call if you need any assistance in seeing the beauty in such moments. (619) 275-1731.
Or if you really want to fly: Life Coaching
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